My · journal

Today I found out that a student I went to HS with died late Tuesday night another student I had classes with is in serious condition and Ms. Heiders doughter is in Critical condition. I think the ladder has more of a meaning because Ms. Heider has become somthing of a personal mentor of mine. She is just the person/teacher I want to be when I grow up. I hate that this is happening to her, but in the same token Alyssa has not yet passed away and everyday she lives is another day that could mean survival. I do not know if that makes sence but somewhere in the recesses of my mind it does. Death scares me, and I assume that is only noraml but I dunno... My mom heard about it on the news and didn't tell me, I think it was better that I heard from friends in all honesty, because if she said somthing I may have cried to her... and as it is she was crying today because I am driving full force and she knows how new drivers are. I am being as cautious as ever while driving...I dont know that I'll step in a car for a few days... I assume that I have to because I have a few things that need to be done before school. I have to go... Later

Please drive safely...

My new home is 16 feet by not than many feet. The hallways leading to the classrooms no longer smell of burnt toast and paste they smell like higher education! So I did class selection today at Chowan University. I can honestly say I have the WORST/BEST schedual for many reasons... I have an 8 am class everyday but everyday 'cept Monday and Wendsday I am done by 1050 (fridays) 220(Tuesday and thursays).

Composition: TH 8 am to 920
Freshman seminar: MWF 8am to 850
Math: MWF 10 am to 1050
Understand the Bible: TH 1 to 220
French: MW 5 pm to 620
Prespectives: W 11 to 1145

I met some new people and I am so ready for school to start. Aug 20th can not come soon enough for me. I got a t-shirt and a little gym bagish thing... alright later days...

Today I got the best news of my entire life... I am set to graduate High school with my final test grades as fallows... English IV: 93 Advanced Foods II: Unknown but passed before the curve gets addte... Honors Enviro Sci: 70 and the best yet Math 83... I am college bound... I felt so old today as I gave Noah a hug in the hallway and we said our see you laters... realizing that come tommrow everythings gunna be in inter grade and I will be offically college bound... today 2 years doesent seem like I cant handle the wait... I just keep thinking that maybe they will be the quickest 2 years of my entire life... I am hoping...

Today was amazingly fun! Oh MOIGAWD... lol... the gang, the only ones that matter anyway *beisdes Angie and purvi sorry sweet peas* skipped school. We started our day at 7 with a Bojangles Boberry biscuit and a steak and egg... and some sweet tea. We than got blown up by George who was at home wating for his mom to go to work, his dad is away for the week or some shit like that. We chilled and watched movies. Ryan and I are dating now so that added a new dynamic to the group, because Samatha *sam* and George are dating and Alex was like sitting alone for a little while, it was a little sad at first but we watched, oh gosh what did we watch? Oh yes Hook, POTC pirats *hooked on phonics* of the carribean and the princess bride. We had a theme day... XD... it was so much fun. I smell like Ryan, it's so nice. I haven't seen him since four and I think I miss hil already... he kissed my forehead, I really am begining to think that is the tell of a good boy. If only because they can still kiss your neck and all that but the forehead is the most unsexy part of the female body and if they can want that than they can not be terrible. Sorry I really just am so infatuated at the moment... I wish everyday were as great as today was. I assume that summer will be good like this.

Hahaha, I went to see RHPS at the Realito, amazing. Once I arrived they put a big V on my forehead...for virgen!... hahaha, it was crazy cool! there are NO NO NO words to express the amount of WOW it was!... we went for the first swim of the year in my pool last night, me sam and George... it was cold but so so so so so worth it! tonight we all chilled and watched Office Space... yeah it is up there on the top fivr now 1. RHPS 2.Rent 3. Office Space 4. Bridget Jones I 5. About a boy... #5 is up for grabs! I worked a lot... I havent slpet much and I am still awake... this is great... and DAMN it feels goot to be a gangsta!

My sisters *well two of them* came for the weekend. Stef and Karyn tagged along and we went to the LongBranch, it was a blast, the five of us together is never not fun but this was so so great. On saturday we went to get me inked. I almost chickened out, but I am so so proud that I didn't let a little pain stop me. It also helped that Karyn was there holding my hand the whole time. I don't think this is going to mean a hell of a lot to any Yankees because they dont know the whole story but I walked in the blue room and Metallica "Enter Sandman" was on and I knew that it was not going to be the worst experence of my life. The result is a living tribute to my God Mother. I never really got a chance to know her and I think that the butterfly signifys the best and the worst. The sting of her death and the bitter bliss of knowing that she is watching over me. So I mean it feels really good right now to know that she is with me the way she is and I would not have this anyother way but I really do think that all in all the Tattoo was not purely for a spirtual purpous. It fofilled this need to break out of my shell, the need to be who I am and who I am always going to be. When I am 50 and sitting in a bed growing old with my husband the burrerfly will still be on my left leg and that is what makes this choice I made so important. It is the first thing I have done while I am 18 that I dont think I am going to regret. This simple fact makes me smile... thinking about Hush Pins on the other hand doesen't because I wish I were there to take somebodys... *High School is hell, just get through it... Smile here...* Shannon

I almost got my ass suspended for sticking up for gay people. Okay I think you all know that I have a bad habbit of speaking to teachers on a personal level and many times that conversation can become quite a topic, well Mr. Ronska and I were talking about a new Catholic College being built in Fl. Well apparently there is this drama going on with building it calling it unconstutonal and what not, well one thing led to another and we started talking about gay people. It got rather intresting and Daniell, Ryan, LuEva and Trah joined the conversation. This kid comes out of nowhere and says all gay people should be put on an island and an atomic bomb should be dropped ontop of said island... the fucking kid draws a diagram. I asked him is he knew who he was talking to because based on statistic alone there was one if not two more people in the room not sharing his choice of hedrosexuality. He asked if I were gay, my reply was no, he says the island thing like five times and Ronska stopps the conversation. His brother begins a new conversation that all gay people should be in the front of the classroom and the straight people should be on the other side! Apparently in that moment I must have done somthing wrong because I got called to the office, not theses guys that were thretning the lives of gay people, no the person sticking up for them! Mr. Jewette took my statement and than proceded to yell at Mr. Ronska! What the fuck, what is the need to yell at the person defending the rights for all people and the person who stopped the conversation? There really isn't one now is there? George came over after school, and gosh sometimes he can be a really good friend because he let me rant for like an hour about what happened. It was so nice to just talk about it. I am so mad but he really is a good friend now, I looked at him while we were driving to work and I just smiled. He went to say bye but we kinda sorta kissed, it was almost as odd as our first kiss only when we stopped and looked at one another and I was late for work, like five minutes it was not a big deal but yeah. I dunno what was wrong with yesterday but going to work and talking things out with my sister and George made me feel a lot better. My mom told me she was proud of me bacause that ment she did a good job raising us, because we were tolerent of all other people and the way they lived. I was/am happt that she is proud of me for this because if I didn't stick up for this I would have been upset with myself.

I think Ryan is going to ask me to prom... I said somthing today about wating to get a plane ticket home and he told me to wate a few days I saked "Why it would only salitify the fact that I do not have a date." He told me to wate until the invitations came out... I don't know... It would not be the worst thing to happen... I rather like him!

I was out of my house from 640 to 940... with school and work today was shit! I was all knocked out anyway because yeah today is Ash Wendsday and I feel all weird about not going to church. I drempt about St. Lukes today during cooking. All the pretty purples and yellows of this time of year made this one of my favorite church times. I hate that I am here because I love all the great decorations that adorn the front of the church, it made this it just blissfull. Today insted of church I went to school and worked, where this douch bag tried to short me a 1.00 on tips, but it's not like it matters because I don't work for the tips; I work to keep myself sane and working harder in school. It's weird because I work harder when I am busy, however I may never do well in math... *sigh* I will keep trying because I told myself that I would and I want to graduate this June. I think that I really can if I buckle down and start studying just as hard as I can. So I must retire because I need to shower and what not... later Shannon

So last night I had this dream it was random and I was superman, well I guess the female equivilent, and he was Lex Luthor. Today I find out some intresting news and I realize that my dream, while a bit odd, told me more than I needed to know; he is my Lex Luthor. He is dragging me down and I can get much further south than this. I think I want to be out of here.

I am like the only senior not going to the prom... relish in that fact for a moment... and just know that I really did want to go and I know that come April 13 I am going to be back where I was 2 years ago and this time it has the extreme capibilty to turn into somthing worse... so so so much worse because this time I want to die... this time my heart is on this line where I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL... I want to stop the pain and I dont want to be hurt but I know that it just inst about the prom its about not being home and its about not knowing anything and its about how much I do hate it here and how much I need my sister to be with me because I can not surrive without her... please keep me elevated... I am too far under water to see the light and I need help... I am trying not to do anything to hurt myself... its just getting harder day by day... because everybody can seem to be happy but me! its like the pictures amd memories from home are mocking me... please help me!!!! please... call this my mental break down...

Okay a nice calming Shannon update! I got a job at Jersey Mike's making subs, it isn't my ideal job but it does pay 6.00 an hour and is only 15 hrs a week. That is a nice non stressful job, it is a pay cut; I was making close to 8 an hour! Anyway it is a job that pays real money. George got a job working there as well, so it will make finding a cover a little less than hard. *XD... although a modicum amount of stress is now being put on getting a NC State license* I went shopping with Mum tonight to get some work clothing and what not... that is like giving me a gun and no bullets! Not that I do not live, respect and admire my mother *alright you got me I don't!* but wow she is a BITCH. Any topic that made me want to kill her, she hit on and every topic that made me want to die yeah she stabbed the knife herself. It was all I could do to keep from crying in the middle of Cici's when she hit home on the prom topic not once, not twice hell three times would have been nice but no she harped... like 50 million questions. I AM NOT GOING; I HAVE NO DATE AND FOR FUCKS SAKE MOM SHUT UP! I had tears welling in the corners of my eyes and she just kept going, she has no idea that she is killing me, does she? No, she wouldn't would she, that would require me speaking every now and again about how I feel. God I am an idiot, for wanting to cry about her questions... I think it just really hit home that I am not home anymore, I am not going home and I need to just get out of her house. I want to be home so so so so so so so badly, there is no real reason for it... it's just this internal longing that I have. The constant thought that this is all impermanent, GRAW. I want to leave so bad right now. Just get the fuck out of here... I don't even know where home is anymore... my heart lies on a thin line that breaks and tares on a daily basis, it would be easier if maybe I knew where that thin line was than I would not trip over it.
why cant I

Why can't I just be happy...? why can't I just pretend like everythings alright...? why is the one thing that is supposed to be bad that I am doing feel like the only thing that is right...? Why does the one person who I feel I am using still want to be my friend...? *FYI he's amazing and has stepped up to the plate as a friend too many times to count!* why cant I shake the feeling my mother doesent want me at waldorf...? why do I insist on missing the one person who doesent miss me...? why cant I just be happy and forget what this balck hole of a heart feels like...? why did it all have to happen so quickly(the move)...? why do I feel like everything is about to get that much worse...? a quick FYI... my grandmother is not doing better... like hoped... infact worse is the only word to use here... I am afraid for her! I am afraid for me...

? Shannon ?

Thanks for reading... if you got this far... I am way to EMO

So WJHS uses this internal e-mail system called Gaggle.net... it has got to be the DUMBEST site ever... we can not say WTF or we'll be put on computer restriction for the rest of the year and you could e-mail the entire school with a click of a botton... which the school found to be very ill fated last year when a picture of coach Collins daughter getting fingerd in the lunch room was sent to the entire student population... I find that quite funny... anyway thats why Gaggle.net is the dumbest thing EVER

Today was so pretty, while the morning started out cold and gross but this afternoon was so PRETTY. My mom was/is at school so I got the chance to grill and just be outside. It was so so so nice, I was so hyper today on the bus Beth got pissed and told me to shutup... in the nicest way she could! LOLZ I got my new Dr. Martens last night, I forgot what hell they are to break in... I havent taken them off all day and my feet are KILLING me. But it's nice, I felt like a greeser today with Jeans, a white top and black dress whoes... I even gave my jeans a little cuff... it was so cool. I am so glad I bought them, I was going to buy a better iPod but honestly I like theses better (a lot better). George now wants to buy a pair in brown, that is exactly how I started... "Oh I'll get a pair for Kacki pants and thats all I need, a good brown shoe." Right now I have a brown and a black... but I need sandles, and can not afford the Doc's breed so I am getting Rainbows. They are theses great sandles that apparently are made by a Hippie. They are the premeire summer thing, and if they rip, tare or break they replace them for FREE, like the Birkenstock of the south. Now that I ranted about shoes for an entry I am going to go... XD ... ~Shannon~

*Name 10 things that bring you JOY(gasms) and tag 5 people to do the same.*
1. Warm Winter Weather
2. Snow once in a while
3. Gilmore Girls
4. Poetry...
5. Reading... XD
6. People who are smart
7. Knowing that there is a better tommrow after a hard today.
8. Kisses
9. Movie nights
10. Finding the nuc in HIS arm...

If Angela wants to call me a whore I am done... I am so so so sick of this Bull Shit she thinks her way is the only right way. Yes George and I makeout so the fuck what... Yes we have fun together so the fuck what... she is Verdant... if only because she is a 10th grader and is a neophyte at staying out of other peoples personal lives. .:Sigh:. her credence is not better than mine and it bothers me to no end that she feels it is. do not decry my actions because you THINK you can. I have to go... the end of lunch is approaching

If you dont know waht the words mean look them up... www.askoxford.com

Angela if you are reading this I dont give a rats ass wether or not you condone the way I live my life